I don't even know anymore. I talked to someone tonight that opened me up. He made me realize that maybe I am wasting my life and that there is so much out there that I have no clue about and that I am holding myself back from exploring. So much shit has happened just in the past few months that I have sorta blocked out because I don't want to go down that road of depression again. Depression is what people make of it. I am happy with Stubbs and I know he cares about me, but there are just so many things I don't know about. Josh dying made me realized a lot of shit too. People go so quickly. You think that that would never happen to you, but it does. Josh was the first person I knew that died. I used to think that it would never happen to me, but it does and will. I often think that it might of have been me..dead if those times that I tried to kill myself actually worked. There are so many times when I wanted to die, but yet the thought of dying scares me. My uncle died yesterday as well. So many things are happening right now that I can't take it all in. Two of my friends are in jail and just everything is going wrong. I worry about one of my friends, afraid that one day she is going to get some STD or raped or killed or even kidnapped.
The only person that I feel like I can trust fully is Sara. Sara has never told anyone my secrets and she has never betrayed me. I feel horrible that I have betrayed her a few months ago. She had all the right to not talk to me ever again, but being as good person she is, she looked past that, and I thank her for that. Not only is she a beautiful person on the outside, she is a beautiful person on the inside as well.
Its weird because it seems like everyday is just a dream. Like yesterday and the day before. Back when I used to date Nathan seems just like a bad dream, like none of it is real and thats because I blocked all that shit out until it seemed like none of it ever happened. I hate the feeling of losing people. And thats because everytime I get close to someone, mentally, emotionally, physically, I lose them. There is so much I just want to say right now, but I can't cuz a lot of the shit I want to say will get me in trouble with certain people. I know where my life is going to end up if I keep on drinking or doing drugs, but yet I don't do anything to change it. Its not that I don't give a shit, its just that I feel like why should I change it...why should I change to make people happy, like my mom, when the past 6 years I had to put up with her dumbass fiance.
That person who made me realize all this is a wonderful person and I adore him for that. He told me to call him tonight if I needed someone to talk to, but I don't know if I am going to. I hope Stubbs calls me tonight, but I doubt he does. Stubbs and I connect wonderfully mentally, but I am not quite sure on the emotional part. I am a hopeless romantic and thats a down fall of mine, but he isn't really romantic. He gets jealous easily when I talk to guys, but yet he has lots of girls that are friends and I can't be a hypocrite because like 99.9% of my friends are guys.
I just don't know. I just need to get away. I am tired of waking up to the same shit everyday, its boring and I need change in my life because if I don't have something to look forward to everday, I get depressed. I know that if I get on medication everything will be cool, but I hate the idea of mood altering medications. Like it is going to make me feel any better knowing that this isn't who I am? Fuck that. And on other news, Lauren and I basically stopped talking. I don't know if it is because we both moved on with different lives or what not, but we aren't as close as we used to. I just feel like I can't relate to her anymore...and I don't know why and that depresses me. I have basically stopped hanging out with my old crowd and I have a whole new one now...basically all of the people in Breezewood apartments..hehe. But I still care for Lauren and I do not forget all the times we have had and the shit we have been through, but people drift and thats a sad part about friendships and shit like that.
I know I am just rambling on but who cares? I wish I could move out..and I can't wait till I go to college..I feel as if I am suffocating and its driving me mad. Today and basically all of last week I have been hanging out with Mom and Speedy and all those people. We are still trying to get that tribute thing for Josh worked out. I found out something about someone recently and that pisses me off. People betray friends around here in a heartbeat. I had feelings tonight that I have never before felt and I don't know how to feel. So much shit can happen within one hour that will have you thinking for days. Does that make sense? I guess so...Anyways I really don't know what else to say and I really want to go to sleep so I don't have to think anymore and besides I have a horrible headache...from smoking Newports. I had one today..and I haven't smoked Newports in forever so now I am paying for it. I am trying to quit so I am sticking with Ultra Lights..its like smoking air. Anyways...I will write more later and I will keep everyone posted on more news about Josh's tribute thing. Goodnight all.